Thursday, January 26, 2012

A State Senator with a Sense of Humor....

     Early in the morning, I was flipping though The Case for Christ, by Lee Strobel.  (Yes, I was skimming....one day I'll end up reading the whole book!)  Anyway, at the beginning of one of the chapters, I paused to read a short story....and laughed my head off.  Seriously.....just not literally! :D  The story was about Duncan Scott, a state senator of New Mexico, who disliked how psychologists and psychiatrists would testify that a defendant was mentally insane and hence not responsible for his crime.  So, to counter that, the senator proposed an amendment to the state statutes.  And let me tell you, this guy had a wonderfully, ridiculous sense of humor.  Just try to read it without cracking up!  Here it is:
        

When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies, he shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall.  The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with starts and lightning bolts.  Additionally, he shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than eighteen inches in length and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand.  Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides testimony, the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong.       


   Funny thing is, this amendment actually made it to the House of Representatives!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A very late post on...owls!

 Merry followers!  Thank you for still following me even though I am very late in posting!  However, to make up for my, well, laziness, I am posting a hilarious story that I stumbled across in a poetry book.  I know, you're probably thinking, "Wow, that is a reaaallly long poem....(a.k.a. I don't want to read it...)".  However, if you read it all, I promise that you will be quite amused and happy that you stuck it out.  So, without further ado, I present (drum roll!!!):



The Owl-Critic
    by James Thomas Fields    

"Who stuffed that white owl?" No one spoke in the shop,
The barber was busy, and he couldn't stop;
The customers, waiting their turns, were all reading
The "Daily," the "Herald," the "Post," little heeding
The young man who blurted out such a blunt question;
Not one raised a head, or even made a suggestion;
And the barber kept on shaving.

"Don't you see, Mr. Brown,"
Cried the youth, with a frown,
"How wrong the whole thing is,
How preposterous each wing is,
How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is --
In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 't is!
I make no apology;
I've learned owl-eology.

I've passed days and nights in a hundred collections,
And cannot be blinded to any deflections
Arising from unskilful fingers that fail
To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail.
Mister Brown! Mr. Brown!
Do take that bird down,
Or you'll soon be the laughingstock all over town!"
And the barber kept on shaving.

"I've studied owls,
And other night-fowls,
And I tell you
What I know to be true;
An owl cannot roost
With his limbs so unloosed;
No owl in this world
Ever had his claws curled,
Ever had his legs slanted,
Ever had his bill canted,
Ever had his neck screwed
Into that attitude.
He cant do it, because
'Tis against all bird-laws.

Anatomy teaches,
Ornithology preaches,
An owl has a toe
That can't turn out so!
I've made the white owl my study for years,
And to see such a job almost moves me to tears!
Mr. Brown, I'm amazed
You should be so gone crazed
As to put up a bird
In that posture absurd!
To look at that owl really brings on a dizziness;
The man who stuffed him don't half know his business!"
And the barber kept shaving.

"Examine those eyes
I'm filled with surprise
Taxidermists should pass
Off on you such poor glass;
So unnatural they seem
They'd make Audubon scream,
And John Burroughs laugh
To encounter such chaff.
Do take that bird down;
Have him stuffed again, Brown!"
And the barber kept on shaving!

"With some sawdust and bark
I could stuff in the dark
An owl better than that.
I could make an old hat
Look more like an owl
Than that horrid fowl,
Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coarse leather.
In fact, about him there's not one natural feather."

Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch,
The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch,
Walked around, and regarded his fault-finding critic
(Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance analytic,
And then fairly hooted, as if he should say:
"Your learning's at fault this time, anyway:
Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray.
I'm an owl; you're another. Sir Critic, good day!"

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